So I was looking up a review on Amazon this afternoon and stumbled across a link that said “Your Orders.” What the hell, I had 15 minutes. It was the best and worst thing I’ve done in a long time. Thanks to a car repair (read: life), I haven’t been able to tribute much recently, and I miss it.
BEST because all my orders were present, from 2001 to this year. In 2001 for example, I bought somebody the First Season of the Sopranos. One of my all time favorite shows and I don’t own it…HE does. $180 is gift cards to somebody else. In one day. Insane. On and on it went, 100’s of items, dozens of guys, thousands of dollars. I feel all the things I should – it was more than I thought, I could have bought so much stuff for myself, but my submissive heart knows that would not be right…it’s good to give, it’s better when the recipient is a greedy fuck, and it’s best when you get shit on by HIM and disconnection threats because you aren’t taking care of YOUR bills.
But is was also the WORST day because although I sacrificed and got used, and jacked off and got everything I needed in exchange, it was all different dudes, most terrible, a few great, two that were awesome, but none consistent. And I had the thought that what if it had been one person for those 12 years, that I had sacrificed for? How well would I know him? How well would he now know me? Could I ever have denied him anything? How deep would I have gone, or been forced to go? Even the ones that I cared about, and got off watching them stuff their pockets have moved on, or I have.
Just random thoughts – probably why I don’t think about it all that often.